Pokémists: Pocket Alchemists
by Zilo Sugarpill
Summary: It’s back! What if FMA was re-made for Pokémon’s audience? Worse still, what if FMA's original plot was scrapped for Pokémon's? Will Ed and his Pokémist Al thwart Team Homo's evil plans? Will Winry get a new bike? Will Ed ever be able to swear again?
1. Tournament Of Stupid Proportions

Written by: Zilo  
**Beta: **Zilo  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA, or Pokémon. (Ignore all the PKMN videos and DVDs on my shelf. Those don't apply!)

* * *

Narrator: As our heroes continue on their journey to acquire the elusive Philosopher's Stone, they come across a small town in need of--

"Wait a second. What the H(EEP!)!!" Ed yelled.

Narrator: Ah, ah, ah, hero! No naughty language, okay?

Ed stared into the sky with a "WTF?" expression. "Who the h(EEP!) are you?" he demanded.

Narrator: The Narrator, of course! Who else would I be?

Ed and Al sweatdropped. "Since when did we have a Narrator?" Al asked his brother.

Narrator: Since Full Metal Alchemist became airy-fairy and kid-safe!

"Since it became _what_?" Ed said, slack-jawed in confusion.

Narrator: Quit talking to me and start adventuring, heroes!

Ed and Al exchanged glances. But they had no choice, so they kept walking down the road. They kept their guard up, in case that freakazoid Narrator popped up again, but fortunately, he didn't. Eventually they came across the small town in need of whatever it was the Narrator had been about to say.

"Welcome to Abaros!" a man randomly standing near the entrance of the town said.

"Uh...yeah, whatever," Ed said.

Al suddenly tripped over a rock and fell. His helmet fell off and rolled away. Ed went to get it and returned to Al's side, and his eyes bugged out when he saw Al's head poking up out of the armor. "AL?!" he bellowed in shock.

"What?" Al asked. He then felt the cool breeze on his skin, smelled the tastiness of a hot dog stand nearby, felt sweat drip into his eyes, clearly heard children laughing and playing--

"OHMYGOD!" Al screamed. "I'M HUMAN!"

Narrator: Well of course! A soul bound in a suit of armor is not kid-friendly, you know!

"WILL YOU GO THE F(EEP!) AWAY!" Ed roared, shaking a fist at the sky.

Narrator: Tsk, tsk. We've got to do something about that potty mouth.

Al had huge tears in his eyes as he wriggled out of his armor and stood, fully clothed. "Brother, I'm-I'm human," he said tremblingly.

Ed hugged him. "That's great, Al! Now we can just go home, right?"

He suddenly tripped over a little girl, even though he hadn't been moving.

"Ow," the little girl said, standing up. Then, remembering something, she threw herself back on the ground and grabbed her foot. "OWW! AGH! MY FOOT! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN PARTICIPATE IN THE COMPETITION!"

"Welp, you better replace her," a bystander said to Ed.

Ed raised a brow. "Why?"

"That's how it goes."

"H(EEP!) no," Ed said, grabbing Al by the arm and starting to walk away.

The bystander grabbed them both and booted them into the sky. They soared several miles and landed smack dab in the middle of a huge Greek-style stadium.

"Oh, you two must be the replacements for that girl you tripped over!" some random woman wearing seven ponytails said. "Tin Man and Short Stuff, right?"

"WHOTHEH(EEP!)AREYOUCALLINGATINYBEANWHOCANRESTINTHESHADEOFABLADEOFGRASS?!" Ed bellowed.

"I'MNOTATINMANANYMORE!" Al cried.

The woman shrugged and wrote "Short Stuff and his Pokémist, Tin Man" down on her clipboard anyway. "You two are second. Hope you're ready!"

"We're leaving!" Ed said, grabbing Al by the arm and starting for the exit.

They smacked into the fourth wall.

"Leave, and the chapter will automatically end!" the woman said. "We can't have that!"

"D(EEP!) it!" Ed yelled.

So, being forced to by the laws of fanfics, they trudged to the giant waiting room place where people were, well, waiting.

"Hi!" said an overly friendly girl whose hair was shaped like a Christmas tree.

"Go away," Ed grumbled.

The girl left, her friendly spirits crushed. Ed sighed and sat down on a bench. Al sat next to him. "Brother, what do we do? The people in this fic are...scaring me."

"We'll find a way," Ed said, patting his brother's shoulder. "Don't worry." He glared at the huge TV where people who weren't performing could watch other contestants. That woman who had signed them up was hyping the competition to the audience. "Even if it means...ugh, playing their game."

"You're gonna lose, Eddie Boy. Heh heh...man, this sounds stupid."

Ed and Al looked up to see Roy and Riza. "Colonel Mustang!" Al exclaimed.

"What're you doing here?" Ed demanded.

"Filling the obligatory role of your rival," Roy said, waving his script around. "I have to say some stupid, cheesy lines to you, act like a cocky jerk, and then get my butt thrashed by you in the second round."

"Or?" Ed asked.

"Or they take away my gloves and burn them."

There was a moment's silence as they pondered the irony of that statement.

"Oh, yeah," Roy said, lifting his script again. "I'm gonna send you crying home to Mommy, hahaha."

Ed crossed his arms and snorted. "Whatever."

"AND NOW," the announcer woman boomed over the intercom, causing everyone to cover their ears, "WILL ROY MUSTANG AND EDWARD ELRIC MEET ME IN THE STADIUM!"

A trap door opened under them and dropped them into the stadium, to avoid unnecessary legwork and eliminating all possibility of escape. Grudgingly, Ed, Al, Roy, and Riza went to their places.

"IN THE BLUE CORNER," the announcer announced, "EDWARD ELRIC, HAILING FROM RISEMBOOL!"

The crowd cheered, and Ed gave a half-hearted wave.

"AND HIS POKéMIST, TIN MAN!"

"I'M NOT A TIN MAN!" Al cried angstily over the cheers of the crowd.

"AND IN THE OTHER BLUE CORNER," the announcer yelled, "HAILING FROM CENTRAL, ROY MUSTANG!" Roy waved to the screaming fangirls. "AND HIS POKéMIST, GUN-WOMAN!"

Riza stood stoically as ever, an anger mark the only sign she was pissed.

"THE TRAINERS WILL DUKE IT OUT IN A ONE-ON-ONE POKéMIST BATTLE!" the announcer yelled, like her megaphone in front of a microphone wasn't enough amplification. "NO TIME LIMIT! LAST ONE STANDING WINS!"

Risty May, decked out in a referee outfit, raised two blue flags. "Begin!" she cheered.

"GO, GUN-WOMAN!" Roy commanded, pointing into the field.

Riza shot him. However, since it was a kid-friendly show, her regular gun was exchanged for a paintball gun. Roy doubled over in pain anyhow.

"Let's get this over with, okay, Al?" Ed said.

Al nodded. "I'll do my best!" He strode out into the field.

"It's nothing personal, Alphonse," Riza said, cocking her flower-print paintball gun, "but I just want to get out of here."

"AL! HEADBUTT!" Ed yelled, getting way too into the spirit of things.

Al looked at his brother like "WTF?"

"Um...how about Charm then?"

"Okay!" Al turned around, sprinted to Riza, and gave her a big hug. All the girls in the audience went "Awww!" and some twisted psycho authoress started penning an AlxRiza story.

"I give up," Riza said, seeing an easy way out.

Risty May lowered the flag pointing at Roy. "It's over! EDWARD ELRIC WINS THE MATCH!" she announced.

"WOW! EDWARD ELRIC WINS THE MATCH!" the announcer yelled.

"I just said that!" Risty May pointed out.

Suddenly, a net dropped out of the sky and fell on Al and Riza. "MY POKéM--I mean, MY SUBORDINATE!" Roy exclaimed.

"WHAT THE H(EEP!)" Ed raged.

"Mwahahahaha!" someone cackled from up above. The aghast audience and some other people turned their attention to the sky, where three sinister figures were in a hot air balloon shaped like the Ouroborus.

"Prepare for trouble!" said one.

"Make it double!" said the other.

"To protect the world from high-cut shirts!"

"To hit the shrimp where it hurts!"

"To denounce the evil of bright colors!"

"To make optimistic views a little duller!"

"Lust!"

"Envy!"

"Team Homo, blast off before you know it!"

"I have a sexy torso, and I gotta show it!"

Gluttony concluded the motto by taking a bite out of the hot-air balloon's basket.

"'Team Homo'?" Roy repeated, obviously trying not to crack up laughing.

"You guys are waaay too into this," Ed stated.

Lust held out a finger. "Don't hate. We get a pay raise if we're convincing."

"Brother, help!" Al cried as he and Riza were trapped inside the net and lifted into the air.

"I got this," Ed said, starting a fire and making smoke signals.

Lust and Envy laughed evilly as they rose higher and higher, the aghast, and partially snickering, crowd watching them. Roy started jumping from foot to foot, as if his feet were on fire. "Aiya, what do I do," he deadpanned, reading from the script. "Team Homo--snicker, snicker, snicker--is getting away."

A bright-colored blur suddenly whizzed through the sky and right through the Ouroborus balloon, popping it. The whole thing fell to the ground, and Al and Riza wriggled out of the net.

"What the h(EEP!) happened?" Envy exclaimed.

More bright colored blurs appeared and started to beat the snot out of the Homunculi trio. Ed watched for a few minutes, then blew a whistle. Several girls of all different shapes, sizes, and colors, all wearing pink shirts with a picture of Ed's face inside a heart on them, stopped what they were doing and quickly lined up, saluting Ed.

"Who are they?" Roy asked.

"My Pokéfaniac army," Ed replied.

Narrator: Pokéfaniac: Pocket fangirl maniacs.

"You've got one of those?" Roy said.

Ed nodded.

"WE LOVE YOU, ED!" the girls yelled in unison.

"Yeah, yeah. You've served your purpose; go back to your pathetic lives," Ed said.

"ED YES ED!" The girls trooped away.

"Big mistake, pipsqueak," said Envy as the Homunculi started to regenerate. "Forget our powers?"

Ed considered, then turned to his brother. "Al! Quick! Use Ultra-Super-Awesome-Teacher-Move-Of-Awesome-Doomy-Doom-Number-665!"

Everyone gasped. What kind of breathtaking move could this be?

Al nodded, and got into a frightening stance. He glowered at Team Homo--snicker, snicker, snicker--and then started a fire and made smoke signals. Moments later, Sig popped out of nowhere and booted the Homunculi and their balloon into the sky.

"TEAM HOMO'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!" they cried. They disappeared with a twinkle.

"I've learned a really important moral lesson," Ed said.

"Really? What's that?" Al asked as he, Roy and Riza walked over.

"Stealing is wrong."

Then the announcer woman tripped over a bug, and they all laughed heartily and started walking into the sunset.

Narrator: And so, our heroes leave the competition, not only with experience, but with a lesson well learned. Maybe something good came out of this after--hey! Wait! No one stole anything!

"You stole my dignity," Ed said.

Narrator: Well, I'm sorry, but we can't end this until some sort of moral lesson is learned.

Ed, Roy, Riza, and Al glared. Then a wicked smile spread across Roy's face. "Hey Ed," he said, "why don't I go into a lengthy and very graphic story about how babies are born?"

Narrator: (panic) A-All right! We can end it! Sheesh!

* * *

Random, I know. Fun to write? You bet. Have an alchemy-themed day! 


	2. Ed Ruins A Bike And Gains A Friend

Big heaping thanks to **radcat, Lady Jarine, Outcast Martyr, Phantom SunsSong, DemonRaily, kathy lee skyler, Marie blaze, Sally Elric, Taranova Xonson, nightstargazer, Xinarie, SoarKitten, Lepa, TinkerbelleTB, **and **OutcastLover **for reviewing the first part! Can I just say that I used this as a tool to rant about the predictable pattern of Pokémon? Like it says in my bio, the earlier seasons were more violent, and interesting. Now it's all about moral lessons and the same six plots over and over...

Welcome to the second episode! Since so many of you asked, begged, bribed, threatened, and demanded a sequel, here it is! Hopefully it's as well-received as the first!

* * *

Winry: Hi, I'm Winry. I'm ten--er, sixteen, and I live in the sunny town of Risembool. On this sunny fine day, I found myself waking up to begin the adventure of a lifetime, as I had finally come of age to...okay, this script is really dumb.

Narrator: Don't stop there! We can't have our audience wondering what's going on!

Winry: In other words, folks, I'm about to enslave a human and get my bike destroyed.

Narrator: That's quite inelegant. But I guess it'll have to do. Ahem. Little did Winry know, she would indeed be having an adventure...but of a very different kind!

Winry rolled her eyes as she sat up in bed, looking around. It was another fine, sunny morning, and she got out of bed and got dressed. Then she went downstairs to find Granny Pinako doing something cooking-related.

"Off to be exploited in a fanfic...I mean, to get your first Pokémist, eh?" Pinako said.

Winry nodded. "Do you still have that cheesy speech they wanted you to say to me?"

"Yep." Pinako came out of the kitchen and grabbed a few papers off the coffee table. She then lectured Winry for about an hour on the wild dangers of a minor running amok across the country with nothing but wits and whatever Pokémists she acquired as protection. Then she lectured Winry on having fun, and not talking to strangers, unless they looked nice.

Finally, Pinako finished, and Winry left on her nice, shiny new bike she had assembled herself through months of hard work and dedication. A happy wind blew, the sun shone down brightly, and someone was playing Bicycle Music Track Number 1, which was sort of creepy.

"So...where am I going at the crack of whenever?" Winry wondered aloud.

Narrator: To professor Sequoia's, obviously!

"Right. _Obviously,_" Winry sighed. She kept pedaling.

* * *

Narrator: As we rejoin our courageous heroes, we find them in yet another tragic predicament.

Ed kicked a half-dead tree. "How did we get lost?!" he raged.

Al, converted into a real boy, which is much more kid-friendly than a soul in a suit of armor, tried to calm his brother down. "Brother, it's all right," he said. "We can find our way again."

Narrator: Uh oh, but something tells me it won't be that easy!

"Oh, h(EEP!) no!" Ed yelled, shaking his fists at the sky. "When did you get back here?!"

Narrator: We've seriously got to do something about that potty mouth!

"Just try to ignore him, Brother," Al said, shading his eyes against the glaring sun. He peered around at the sea of sand. "Let's focus on finding a way out of this desert?"

Narrator: No.

"Uh...arctic wasteland?" About six feet of snow fell on them.

Narrator: That's not for ages five to ten!

"Forest?" The snow vanished, trees sprung up, and birds started singing.

Narrator: Perfect!

Ed looked ready to punch someone in the gut. "ANYWAY," he growled, "let's get going, Al." He trudged off in the most promising-looking direction.

"Okay." Al hurried after him. A moment after they left the area, three heads poked up from a nearby bush.

"I don't care how much more we're getting paid, squatting in the bushes is stupid," Lust grumbled.

"I'm with you, but if we go OOC now, they'll fire us," Envy pointed out.

Lust sighed heavily. "This stinks."

"Agreed."

Even Gluttony looked sad.

"Fine. Then let's go plot to kidnap that brown-haired kid using a deep pit, a giant robot, and a plan that's destined to fail," Lust said.

"Go, Team Homo," Envy said sarcastically, putting a fist in the air.

* * *

"Brother?"

"Yeah, Al?"

"I don't mean to sound discouraging, but...haven't we seen that same blue tree 26 times already?"

Ed sighed and stopped. "Yeah. I think we're lost again."

Suddenly a blur shot from the bushes, knocked Ed over, and raced down the direction they had just come.

"What the h(EEP!) was that?!" Ed exclaimed.

"I don't know," Al said.

"Oh! Please wait!"

They turned to see Roze running towards them. "Come back, Preacher Man!" she cried.

"NEVER!" Father Cornello, the blur that had knocked Ed down, yelled. He dashed into the bushes with one eye open.

"Preacher Man! Wait!" Roze cried. She seemed to run out of steam when she reached Ed and Al, and fell to her knees, panting and fanning herself with her script.

"Roze!" Al exclaimed. "What are you doing--"

Roze held up her script and pointed at a line, her eyes darting towards that bushes nervously. Al leaned down and read the line, then nudged Ed. Ed read the line, then rolled his eyes. "Who are you and who was that?" he deadpanned.

"I'm Roze," Roze said, "and that was my Pokémist, Preacher Man. He won't do what I say! I'm a bad trainer!"

Ed sighed heavily. "How can we help?"

"Please help me catch him! I was just trying to teach him how to use Self Destruct, using these bombs, dynamite, and other dangerous explody things!" Roze held up a whole pile of said things.

So they chased after Preacher Man, I mean, Cornello, who couldn't seem to get his other eye open. They caught him in a convenient clearing with conveniently mowed grass.

"Preacher Man! Please listen! I just want to be the best trainer I can by forcing you to fight for me against your will!" Roze pleaded.

"You're crazy!" Cornello announced. He took his holy man walking stick and transmuted it into a multi-barrel machine gun.

Ed, Al, and Roze sweatdropped.

Cornello opened fire on them, and they dived out of the way. Al was a beat too slow, however, and he got hit. "AGH! Brother!" he cried, falling to the ground. "I've been hit by..."

He trailed off when they all got a good look at his leg. "A fluffy pillow?" Ed said.

Narrator: Well, it _is _a kid-friendly show.

Ed sighed and kicked the pillow away. "All right, look here, you!" he said, pointing at Cornello. "Surrender to the selfish will of your trainer so I can get out of this d(EEP!) nightmare world!"

"Never!" Cornello announced.

"I'm so sad!" Roze cried. "How can I forge a bond with Preacher Man if he won't unquestioningly do my bidding just because I want him to?"

"For one, you can stop calling me PREACHER MAN!"

Roze suddenly brightened. "I know! How about you battle this trainer and his Pokémist! If he wins, you come back!"

"Don't use us as bartering tools!" Ed said indignantly.

"DEAL!" Cornello reloaded the machine gun and rapid-fired fluffy pillows of doom at Al, who dived out of the way.

Ed glowered at Cornello. "Look here, you mess with my brother, and it's payback time! Al! Give him a Glare!"

Al nodded, whipped his suit of armor out of nowhere, and put it on. He walked over to Cornello, then stood to his full height and loomed over the man, his face looking dark and scary. "STOP ATTACKING US WITH FLUFFY PILLOWS, OKAY?" he said in his welcome-to-the-brig tone.

Cornello, unnerved, stepped back a bit.

"Yay!" Roze cheered.

"Fine, I give up," Cornello sighed, dropping his machine gun. "I'm too old for this stuff."

Roze skipped over and dropped a collar over his head. "Thanks for your help!" she said to Ed.

"Yeah, whatever," Ed said. "I just want to get AWAY from this stupidity."

"Well, I can't help you there, but I can tell you the way out of the forest!" Roze said.

* * *

So, after receiving directions from Roze, Ed and Al finally found their way out of the forest. The second they stepped out of the border of the forest, they stepped into a town.

"I wonder where this is?" Al wondered aloud.

"Risembool," Ed said, "just, really changed."

"How did you know?"

Ed pointed to a giant wooden sign that screamed "HI! WELCOME TO RISEMBOOL!" in dripping red letters.

"HI! WELCOME TO RISEMBOOL!" some random people said as they walked by.

Al waved. Ed sighed. When and where did they fall down the rabbit hole?

"So, what do we do here, Brother?" Al asked.

"I guess we figure out where the h(EEP!) they want us to go," Ed sighed.

"WOW!" some random kid said at the top of his lungs as he passed by. "GOING TO PROFESSOR SEQUOIA'S LAB, A CONVENIENT THREE BLOCKS AWAY STRAIGHT LEFT, WAS A REALLY AWESOME IDEA!"

Ed and Al exchanged glances.

"IF I WERE SOMEBODY ELSE WHO HADN'T GONE, I'D GO!" the kid screamed, giving Ed a meaningful glance.

Ed shrugged and turned to Al. "Want to get a bite to eat?"

In frustration, the kid picked them up and booted them into the sky.

* * *

Winry, meanwhile, had made it to Professor Sequoia's lab. She parked her bike outside the large brick building and went in. "Hello?" she called. "Professor Sequoia?"

"That's me--WAUGH!" There was a series of crashes, as if someone had knocked down a bunch of dominoes, and all the dominoes had at least three large metal objects attached to them. A door to Winry's left opened, and a bunch of crap spilled out. A person pulled themselves out of the pile of odds and ends and stood up. It was a woman with blue eyes and purple hair pulled into a complicated series of braids, buns, and ponytails that looked as though it took about an hour to do. "Hi, I'm Professor Sequoia!" she said in a man's voice.

Winry was a bit weirded out, but shook the professor's outstretched hand. "So, are you here to get your first Pokémist?" Sequoia asked, cheerfully, kicking everything back into the room behind her and shoving the door closed before it could spill out again.

"Yes?" Winry tried.

"Great! Come this way, please." Sequoia kicked a couple of paperweights she had missed out of the way and led Winry down a short hall and into a large room. It looked like a cafeteria. A bunch of people milled about, eating, talking, and generally making noise. "These are all the starter Pokémists," Sequoia said. "Right now, they suck at fighting, or doing anything besides taking up space, but with enough love and dangerous training, they'll become really tough! Isn't that great?"

"Yes?" Winry agreed.

Sequoia grinned. "So, just kind of walk up to one and take them, and we'll let you be on your way!"

Winry shrugged and entered the room. The people around her mostly ignored her, though a few waved, some smiled, and some more stared. Winry didn't see anyone who particularly stood out, so she just kinds of reached out to the side and grabbed an arm without looking.

Suddenly the roof exploded, and all the people screamed and scattered. A huge vacuum hose popped out of the hole in the ceiling and started vacuuming up people. The one Winry had grabbed was sucked up before she could get a good look at him or her, and she had to grab onto a table to keep from being sucked up into the vacuum.

"Oh no!" Sequoia, whose hair was heavy enough to keep her firmly planted, cried. "Who's taking the Pokémists?"

"Mua ha ha ha ha!" a sinister laugh, well, laughed. Winry squinted up and saw a huge hot-air balloon in the shape of an Ouroborus. In the basket were three characters who looked like vampires, or emos, or really avid goths.

"Prepare for trouble, it's show time!" said the woman.

"Make it double, our jobs are on the line!" said the girly-looking guy.

"To protect the world from low-cut skirts!"

"To hit the shrimp where it hurts!"

"To make my bosom look even fuller!"

"To make opti--wait, what?"

"Lust!"

"..." He was still thrown by the "fuller bosom" part.

Lust sighed. "And he's Envy," she said. "And Gluttony." She pointed down at the fat guy.

Gluttony waved then took a bite out of the ceiling.

"Team Homo, blast off at the speed of sexy!"

"THE H(EEP!)?! NOTHING RHYMES WITH SEXY!" Envy yelled, a little irritated at Lust's ad-libbing.

Winry made her way back over to Sequoia, who was now running through the whole alphabet to find a word that rhymed with "sexy". "...Fexy, gexy, hexy, iexy...no.."

Lust tossed her hair. "Anyway, we're stealing all these Pokémists to give to our boss," she announced to no one in particular.

"Not on my watch!" Winry said, whipping out her wrench and hurling it like a boomerang. It popped the balloon and sent it crashing down, taking the whole ceiling with it.

"...Sexy, texy, uexy, vexy--oh, look! Now it's so easy to get some sun!" Sequoia said.

"You d(EEP!) brat!" Envy yelled as he, Lust, and Gluttony attempted to untangle their limbs.

"We'll get you!" Lust seconded.

Then two figures crashed through the ceiling that wasn't there and landed on the floor, which was now covered in a layer of ceiling. "OW G(EEP!)D(EEP!)IT!" Ed screamed.

"My face..." Al mumbled facedown.

"It's the usual twerps!" Lust complained. "Just what we don't need!"

Ed was too busy giving the censors a run for their money to notice what was going on. Al, however, did, and he stood to his feet. "What's going on?" he exclaimed.

"We just got a sunroof!" Sequoia cheered.

"Those three call themselves 'Team Homo'--" Here the room broke into snickers "--and tried to steal all the Poké--uh, people!" Winry said.

Team Homo finally got untangled and stood menacingly. Ed was writhing on the floor, holding his face and _still _swearing like an angry sailor who was just called a girly mama's boy and punched in the gut by a rival sailor. Al tried to get him to sit up.

"Now that we're untangled, you'll all feel our wrath!" Lust said. She whipped out Wrath plushies and started chucking them at Winry, Ed, Al, and Sequoia.

"Yay! I like feeling Wrath!" Sequoia cheered, grabbing a few and squeezing them.

Ed finally came back to the situation. "Al! How about a Body Slam?"

"You're kidding, right?" Al said.

"Just get in your armor and do it!"

So Al whipped out his armor, climbed in, and Body Slammed Team Homo into pulps. Somehow, even though he was Body Slamming them down, they ended up flying upwards.

"TEAM HOMO'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAIN!" they cried as they disappeared with a twinkle.

"Well, that was disturbing, just like this entire fiasco," Ed said, brushing off his clothes.

"You saved the lab!" Sequoia cheered. "You have my utmost serfitude!"

"Don't you mean 'servitude'?" Winry pointed out.

"No, I'm serious! You have my Utmost Serfitude!" Sequoia said, pointing.

Ed looked down and realized he was standing on a girl's head. "My name is unfortunately Utmost Serfitude," the girl said. "I'm her Pokémist."

"Oh. Sorry." Ed stepped off.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Winry screamed.

Everyone whirled to see her pointing and gaping at her beautiful bike, which she had spent months putting together. It was now flattened under a hunk of concrete.

"Oh, wow, that sucks," Ed commented.

"Sorry, Winry," Al said.

Winry said nothing but merely whipped out her wrench and hurled it like a boomerang, knocking both brothers out with a single swing.

"Wow, you're good!" Sequoia chirped.

Winry sighed and turned back to her bike. It was ruined. Well, now all she could do was hound Ed until he coughed up the money to fix it or buy her a new one. That might take a while.

"By the way," Sequoia said, "what Pokémist did you pick?"

"Oh, I don't remember," Winry said. "I grabbed one by the arm, but--"

"That was me," a new voice said.

Winry turned and saw Paninya. "Hey, I'm your Pokémist, love and drag me around," Paninya introduced herself. She handed Winry some sort of identification card, her birth certificate, her passport, and her medication.

"Is this what I signed up for?" Winry asked in confusion.

"Yes," Paninya said firmly.

Then Sequoia tripped over a Wrath plushie, and Ed and Al came to long enough to laugh heartily with Winry and Paninya and walk into the sunset.

Narrator: So, our heroes move on to the next destination, having acquired a new friend in Winry, and her Pokémist, Paninya. Who know what interesting twists and turns our group will encounter? And what will--

"SHUT THE F(EEP!) UP!" Ed yelled at the sky, fed up.

Narrator: That potty mouth could get you in trouble, young man!

Ed gave the sky as evil a glare as he could muster. "If I didn't have to deal with a d(EEP!) f(EEP!)ing (EEP!)hole like you, then I would--"

"Cut that out!" Winry yelled, smacking him over the head with her wrench.

Narrator: You know, I think I'm going to like this girl!

"SHUT UP!" three of them yelled at the sky.

"Is it too much to ask for us to walk peacefully into the sunset?" Al sighed.

* * *

Almost as fun as the first! I'm thinking about a third episode--what do you think?

* * *


	3. A Meeting In The Lives Of Team Homo

Big thanks and Wrath plushies to **Glowworm, tiggeranddash, Phantom SunsSong, Skitty Kat Girl,** **Love's Labour Won, Sally Elric, Simply Sporks, Marie blaze, Lilythemarshmellowqueen, Abruptly Wandering, Red Tatsu, Rachel, mec, carrotorange, Synneofthesun, **and **JackSpicer** for reviewing! Since it was so requested, heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's...

Episode Three!

(Can you guess the ultra-super-obvious cliché today, kids?)

* * *

_(to the tune of the 1st PKMN theme song)  
__(80s guitar entrance)_

_I wanna be the very best  
__And break child labor laws  
__I wanna make a year-long trek  
__For no apparent cause_

_I will travel across the land  
__No safety guarantee  
__Find Pokémists, and with my hand  
__Force them to work for me_

_Pokémists!  
__Let's enslave 'em  
__Catch two or three  
__I'll go down in history_

_Pokémists!  
__Oh, the cussbox is on  
__Be kid-friendly or you're gone_

_Pokémists!  
__It's hard labor  
__You know it's true  
__No blood, death  
__Or utter doom_

_Traveling minors  
__And mascots too!  
__PO-Ké-MI-ISTS!  
__I don't get no pay  
__Do it anyway!_

_Pokémists!_

* * *

Narrator: Our group of heroes are on their way to the next location to acquire the elusive Philosopher's Badge. But before they get there, it seems a little detour is at hand!

"What's a Philosopher's Badge?" Paninya asked Winry.

"You got me," Winry said.

Ed, glaring daggers of doom at the road ahead of them, stormed on with such speed that the others had to practically run to keep up with him. He was trying, to no avail, to escape the narrator.

Narrator: Uh, oh, looks like a storm is at hand!

And just like that, it started raining.

"D(EEP!) YOU ALL!" Ed screamed at the sky.

"Brother," Al said reasonably, "instead of swearing at the top of your lungs to someone you'll never, ever be able to punch out, no matter how hard you try, maybe we should find some shelter."

"I agree with Al!" Winry said from where she and Paninya were hiding under the relative non-shelter of Winry's upraised wrench.

"Fine. Let's haul a(EEP!)." Ed and the other broke into a run, covering their heads as best as they could. The rain poured, the thunder rumbled, the lightning flashed, and God wondered when the Narrator had seized control of the rain.

And then the previous sentence was erased, because you don't mention God in kid-friendly shows. Just morals.

Anyway, the four ran and ran, and ran, and ran some more, and kept running, and continued to run, and would have had to have been running, and every other past, present, and future tense of the word "run" until they all smacked into the side of a building.

"OW!" they yelled in four-part harmony.

"Is this shelter?" Al mumbled into the side of the building.

They slowly pulled themselves out of the person-shaped craters they had made into the wall. "Dunno, but let's get inside!" Ed said.

"There's no door," Winry said.

"No door!" the others cried in unison, as they had been well overdue to say something in unison.

"Wait...how do we know that?" Paninya asked.

The others shrugged. "Well, where there isn't a door, make one!" Ed said confidently. "Al, use a Body Slam!"

Al put on his armor and body-slammed the wall, knocking a huge section out.

"Way to go!" Winry said as she and Paninya hurried inside. Ed brought up the rear.

They found themselves in what looked to be a conference room. A bunch of people were sitting in swivel chairs around an oval table. They were all facing a huge screen on the opposite wall, which displayed a shadowy head of some evil person.

"Hey, did you hear something?" one of the people at the table asked, motioning without looking to where Al had knocked part of the wall down.

"Must have been the rain," his friend said. No one turned around to investigate.

"Is this some evil conference?" Ed asked out loud.

"Hmm, was that the rain too?" another person at the table said.

Ed, Al, Winry, and Paninya exchanged glances.

"As I was saying," the dark figurehead on the screen said in a disguised voice, "we'll strike tonight. The happy town of Gold Youswell is chock full of Pokémists waiting to be illegally stolen by underpaid adults in horrible mismatched uniforms."

The people around the table cheered.

"What on earth?" Winry exclaimed.

"That's illegal, like that figurehead just said!" Paninya cried.

"Man, that rain's getting louder!" said one person.

"It almost sounds like voices, huh?" her friend pointed out.

"Yep!"

"You people are...IDIOTS!" Ed bellowed.

There was a moment's silence. Then, "Hey, if we close the door, do you think that'll drown out the rain better?"

Ed made the "they're crazy" sign beside his head to the others.

"Either that or selectively deaf," Paninya said.

"Well, at least we'll know what they're planning," Al pointed out.

One guy in an eye patch stood up. "Your Highness, how many of us do you want sent to the town?" he asked.

"An excellent question, King Bradley, my most trusted advisor and double agent of the police force," the figurehead said. "How about...pick a number between 1 and 1,000,000."

"6!" said one.

"1,000!" said another.

"321,028!" said another.

"6,000,000,000!" Ed yelled.

"F!" Winry yelled.

"Cheese!" Paninya yelled.

"Marcus!" Al yelled.

"Er, 44?" Bradley said.

"Excellent! Send 44. I'm counting on you."

Winry sneezed, still drenched from the rain.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" everyone in the room screamed, jumping up and turning to the knocked-out section of the wall.

"Oh, so NOW you notice us, you d(EEP!)heads?" Ed said sarcastically, getting up from where he and the others had sat on the fallen chunk of wall.

"Capture them!" the figurehead yelled. "They must not know our secrets!"

"TEAM HOMO BLIND FORWARD CHARGE!" all the people yelled, jumping over the table, chairs, and each other to run at the teenagers, as if planning to smack into them and thus render them all amnesiacs.

"Paninya! Use Metronome!" Winry said.

Paninya stepped forward and swung her pointer fingers back and forth for a moment. Then, when the adults were almost upon them, she yanked up her pants legs to reveal dozens of dangerous-looking rockets sticking out of them.

"Rockets of Rejection," Paninya said, firing them all. They blew up as soon as they ran into the adults, but since this is kid-friendly, instead of them all dying in pieces with gore splattering all over the place, they were simply launched through the roof with cute little burns on their skin and clothes that didn't seem to cause them any pain at all and would vanish in the next episode.

"THE COLLECTIVE MEMBERS OF TEAM HOMO ARE BEING LAUNCHED QUICKLY THROUGH THE CLOOOOOOOOOUDS!" they all cried, before disappearing with a twinkle.

"Rejected!" Paninya cheered, making the Loser sign on her forehead.

"Somehow, that wasn't as catchy as that those other three always say," Winry said to Ed.

Ed nodded.

"So," the figurehead said, "you are very impressive children. Maybe you'd like to join Team Homo."

Ed stared. Then he exploded--not literally, of course.

"WHODOYOUTHINKYOU'RECALLINGATINYCHILDWHOWON'TBERECOGNIZEDASANYTHINGOLDERTHANSIXUNTILHE'S77FREAKINGYEARSOLDHUHYOUSTUPID B(EEP!)F(EEP!)(BEEP!)(BEEP!)(BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!)"

"No thank you," Al said politely, knocking Ed out to shut him up.

"Hmm. Well, then, if you won't join us, then I must DESTROY YOU!"

"Wow, that sucks," Paninya said.

A bunch of hidden doors opened, revealing angry-looking Pokémists, who stalked out into the room.

"Now, my Pokémists, get them!" said the figurehead.

They all leaped into action with what looked like the same Blind Forward Charge as before.

"Paninya, use Earthquake!" Winry said.

Paninya pulled up her pant legs again and fired a bunch of rockets into the floor. They floor split in half, dropping all the Pokémists, the table, and the chairs into the ground.

"Wow, I didn't know there was a bottomless pit under this floor," Al said.

"Blast!" growled the figurehead. "It's time to move Headquarters--again! But don't think it's over." The screen clicked off.

Ed woke up. "What happened?"

"We had tea with the Queen and then stole her clothes," Paninya said.

"Oh. Okay. Let's get the h(EEP!) out of here," Ed said, turning around and walking through the hole in the wall.

The others followed. "Look how sunny it is again!" Paninya said.

"Yay!" the others cheered.

"I'm hungry!" Ed said.

The others laughed happily at his discomfort and skipped into the sunset, even though it was only 10:00 in the morning.

Narrator: And so, our heroes thwarted Team Homo's plans again. Maybe next time it won't be so easy!

"I'LL KILL YOU!!" Ed screamed off-screen.

* * *

Okay, so it was shorter than the others. But it's been so long since an update. I didn't want you to think I forgot!

In case you didn't quite catch it, the thing I was poking at today was how whenever Ash And The Gang would be hiding out listening to nefarious plans about something or other, they could discuss it at normal level, and nobody ever noticed. Heck, the people they were eavesdropping on would even politely pause so Ash and Co. didn't miss a word! How do you like that! Considerate villains!

Anyway, next time is unplanned, but I'll try to get something up sooner. Thanks for reading!


	4. The Gym Battle Gets Interrupted, Suprise

Um...sorry! I lost all inspiration for this fic for so long! I already promised myself I wouldn't COMPLETELY abandon it, but I just needed to grow some plot bunnies again. But I finally did, so here's the very-long-awaited unbeta'd next chapter!

Thanks to **Moomogirl, Synneofthesun, Phantom SunsSong, CreativeButLazy, tiggeranddash, DemonRaily, Little Patch of Heaven, Jackspicer, YukinoKara, The Spirit Alchemist, SakuraSagura, TeamJempwarth, Dontmezwithme, The Sora-muffin, Love's Labour Won, Cheza the Flower Maiden, KodeLyokoKrazy, KatrinaEagle, Haisha Hime, **and**ZarosKnight **for reviewing! Who's up for guessing the cliché this time?

* * *

Announcer: As our heroes continue on their journey, they find themselves sidetracked just a little bit!

"I thought deserts weren't kid-friendly," Ed grumbled as he dragged his feet along.

Everyone was sweating profusely, hunched over as they walked down the beaten path, under the blazing sun. "I'm so thirsty," Winry panted.

"I'm so tired," Al added.

"I'm so—where's Paninya?" Ed said suddenly.

Winry held up a red and white cellphone. "She's off-screen. If I need her I'm supposed to call her or throw this or something."

"...Oh. Whatever." Ed squinted up into the sky as the sun beat down on them. "Let's hope we can find a way out of here soon."

"I wish saying 'arctic wasteland' would make snow drop on us again," Al sighed.

"Wait, I think I see something!" Winry yelled. She pointed to what looked like a house shimmering through heat waves in the distance.

Ed shaded his eyes with a hand to get a good look at it. "I think you're right!" he exclaimed. "Come on, guys, let's go!"

They managed to work up the strength to make it to the house. It was a giant building, more like a mansion than anything. Ed went up to the huge double doors and pushed them open.

"Brother! You can't just do that! Someone might live here!" Al scolded.

Ed sighed and closed the door. He knocked, and it magically swung open. He gave Al a look, and Al shrugged helplessly at the sheer dumbness of a door opening from a knock. "Hello, anyone home?" Ed called as they all stepped into the much cooler indoors.

The room they were in was a typical huge mansion front room: a giant space with high ceilings and spotless tiled floors, empty except for the grand staircase in the center of the room with a red carpet down its center. There weren't any other doors to go anywhere else.

"Anyone here?" Winry called.

No one answered. "Well, now what?" Ed asked.

"I guess we could look around," Winry suggested.

"Halt!" a familiar voice yelled. Suddenly it all went dark, and a spotlight shone down on Ed, Al, and Winry. "Who dares to enter the East Desert City Gym?"

"What the h(EEP!)?" Ed demanded.

A second spotlight shone down on the top of the staircase, where they found Roy. "Oh, it's just you, Fullmetal," Roy said with a sigh.

"Colonel Mustang?" Al said in confusion.

Roy started down the steps, the spotlight following. "Yep. I'm the Gym Leader."

"I thought you were supposed to be my rival!" Ed pointed out.

"That was last season. This season I'm a Gym Leader. You challenge me to a battle, I act cocky which ensures my defeat, and then I hand you a badge and randomly decide to join you in your travels," Roy told him.

"Last SEASON? What the h(EEP!) are you talking about! This isn't some d(EEP!) anime cartoon!" Ed yelled.

Everyone else sweatdropped, proving him wrong.

"Look, Fullmetal," Roy said, "I don't like this any more than you do. But we have to do it, so just suck it up and challenge me to a battle already."

"FINE," Ed growled. "I challenge Colonel B(EEP!) to a battle, because I want...something."

"The Flame Badge," Roy said, holding up a little plastic thing shaped like a flame.

Riza appeared and handed Winry a piece of paper. "What's this?" Winry asked.

"Since you'll be the only one not participating in the battle, you have to give an excruciatingly detailed play-by-play of what's going on, as if you were describing it to a bunch of idiots," Riza told her.

"You've got to be kidding," Winry sighed.

Roy hit a remote in his hand, and the floor opened to reveal one of those official battle set-up things. Winry sat on one of the benches that magically appeared, looking none too happy about her new job.

Riza got into position on the battlefield. Al looked uncomfortable, but he mirrored her position.

"Can't we just do what we did last time so you lose?" Ed asked Roy.

"Nope. The new season means Riza's learned some hot new moves and you're going to have to break a bunch of the in-universe rules if you want to win," Roy said, shrugging.

Ed sighed heavily.

The referee that had been hiding under the floor with the rest of the battlefield raised two flags. She was wearing the military uniform, but with a miniskirt and high heels. "Let the battle...begin!" she yelled.

"Let's get this over with, Al! Put your suit on!" Ed yelled.

Moments later he was smacked in the face by a flying rice ball—donut. Sorry. Donut. It was a donut and not a rice ball. "That's not an official attack!" the referee yelled.

"Don't tell me what to do, d(EEP!)it!" Ed yelled.

"USE AN OFFICIAL ATTACK YOU MEANYFACE!"

"Riza, what are some gunlike attacks?" Roy asked.

"Well, let's see....Bullet Seed, I suppose," Riza replied.

"Okay." Roy took a deep breath. "Now, use Bullet Seed!"

Riza rolled her eyes and whipped out a sniper paintball gun. She held the scope to her eye and fired glowing seed things at Al.

"Move out of the way!" Ed yelled.

Al dived to safety.

"Wow, Al dived to safety!" Winry said in the fakest amazed voice you can imagine. "After Riza used Bullet Seed! This is SO amazing that I have to talk to myself about it!" In reality, she was sweatdropping and had a "this is the dumbest thing in the world" look on her face.

"Body Slam!" Ed yelled.

"Brother! I can't do that to the lieutenant!" Al cried.

"You can if you want to get this over with!" Ed shouted back.

"But, Brother! She's our friend! We might hurt her!" Al argued.

"I know, I know! Just—do it gently or something, all right?"

"How do I _gently _BODY-SLAM someone?!" Al demanded.

"Hey, stop arguing with me and just do what I say no matter how stupid it is!" Ed retorted.

Al sighed heavily, but put on his armor. He dived towards Riza, who had been sitting there patiently waiting for him and Ed to finish talking. Because Talking Is A Free Action.

"Oh no," Roy said, instead of telling Riza to dodge. Since Riza apparently had no mind of her own and couldn't move out of the way of an attack without orders, she got knocked to the ground.

"Lieutenant! I'm so sorry!" Al exclaimed.

"I'm okay, Al," Riza wheezed underneath the armor.

"Al just used Body Slam on Riza! Amazing!" Winry exclaimed.

"How the h(EEP!) is it that swearing gets censored, but a guy body-slamming a girl doesn't?" Ed wondered aloud.

"Either we're not supposed to notice genders, or you're asking too many questions," Roy responded.

Then the roof blew up. Al and Riza dove for cover as chunks of the roof fell onto the battlefield. Ed shielded his eyes from the glaring sun as he looked up. A robot arm appeared through the dust clouds and grabbed Al and Riza, throwing them into a giant capsule-shaped prison-tube-thing.

"Hey! What's going on?" Roy demanded.

"Ahahahahaha!" laughed an evil laugh.

"AGAIN?! Oh, COME ON!" Ed yelled.

The dust cleared, revealing a giant robot with a red H emblazoned on the front. Through the windshield, the members of Team Homo were visible, sitting at the controls.

"Prepare for trouble, your battle will have to wait!" said Lust.

"Make it double, in your shocked state!" said Envy.

"To protect the world from Mom jeans!"

"To make nice things a little more mean!"

"To flaunt my cleavage day and night!"

"To—LUST!"

"That's my line."

"STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR D(EEP!) BOOBS!"

"Aw, is someone upset that they don't have any?" Lust said in a mock sympathetic tone.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN IT!" Envy yelled.

"I can't believe Team Homo just broke through the ceiling! They didn't even finish their motto!" Winry exclaimed.

"Give back Al and the lieutenant!" Ed yelled.

"Not going to happen," Lust said in a normal voice. Even though there was thick glass and about thirty feet between her and Ed, they could both hear each other just fine for some reason.

"Quick, Al! Body Slam!" Ed said.

"Use Bullet Seed!" Roy added.

Al put on his armor and threw himself against the walls of the tube-prison-thing. Riza started firing at the prison's glass window. Their combined efforts knocked Team Homo's balloon around.

"Hey! Stop that!" Envy demanded.

"You're supposed to quietly accept your kidnapping, you fiends!" Lust added.

"Well, this won't end well," Gluttony said, the smartest thing anyone had said all day.

Winry balled up her lines and whipped out her cell phone. "Paninya!" she yelled into it.

Paninya popped onscreen. "What up?"

"Use Rockets of Rejection on that balloon!" Winry said, pointing.

Paninya pulled up her pant leg, and dozens of rockets poured out of her leg. Then she was smacked in the face with a rice ball, which was quickly painted over to look like an otherworldly sandwich.

"That's not a real attack!" the referee said.

The rockets blew up the balloon, sending it spinning away into the forest on the other side of the Gym. "LOOKS LIKE TEAM HOMO'S FALLING INTO THE FOREST OR SOMETHING!" Team Homo cried, disappearing with a crash.

"Quick, into the forest!" Roy said.

The others followed him out the door. Paninya paused, then smacked the referee in the back of the head in retaliation before running after the others.

"I thought this was the desert!" Ed pointed out as they hurried through the trees towards the rising cloud of dust.

Narrator: Well, that wouldn't be much of an adventure, would it?

"I WISH YOU WOULD GO AWAY!" Ed yelled.

"You know, screaming at the sky isn't going to help much," Roy pointed out.

"Shut up! Nobody asked you, b(EEP!)d!"

So they ran into the forest, all trying to ignore the Narrator. It didn't take very long before they found the wreckage of the balloon. Team Homo was just crawling out from underneath the broken basket.

"Give back Al and the lieutenant!" Ed demanded as soon as they were within hearing range.

Lust and Envy looked up and, realizing the others were there, jumped to their feet. "Not a chance!" Envy sneered.

"Oh hi, Brother!" Al said as he and Riza walked over to the group, having escaped their tube-prison-thing in the crash.

"Didn't I just say 'not a chance'? Why are you screwing everything up?" Envy demanded.

"It's on like a famous copyrighted ape now!" Roy said. "Riza, Bullet Seed!"

"Body Slam, Al!" Ed added.

Riza fired the glowing seeds at Team Homo, knocking them back into their wrecked balloon. Then Al, still in this armor, body-slammed the bunch and defied the laws the physics for the second time as they were hurled into the air.

"This is the worst job ever," Lust griped as they sailed through the air, somehow completely avoiding wind resistance.

"We need a vacation," Envy added.

"Gluttony, that's right!" Gluttony suddenly said.

"The motto's long over, you idiot!" Envy yelled at him.

"Well, we've still got one catchphrase left," Lust pointed out.

"LOOKS LIKE TEAM HOMO'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAIN!" they cried as they disappeared into the sky with a twinkle.

"That was really annoying," Ed commented.

"I agree," Roy said. "Oh yeah, and you get a Flame Badge." He tossed the dinky plastic badge at Ed.

"What for?" Ed asked, catching it.

"Because you saved my Pokémi—uh, subordinate," Roy replied.

"I thought we had to beat you in a battle!" Al pointed out, climbing out of his armor.

"Yeah, well, that's what you get for helping me out. I arbitrarily break the show's own rules," Roy said.

"Whatever, who cares," Ed said, as Paninya and Riza walked off-screen. "Now what?"

"Now we laugh and walk into the sunset," Roy said.

"Again? Do we really have to?" Ed complained.

"That's what we do now, Ed, at the end of every episode, no matter what," Winry pointed out.

"Fine, but I don't mean any of it," Ed said.

"Neither do we," the others replied in unison.

So they laughed and walked into the sunset.

Narrator: So Ed has finally gotten the Flame Badge, and gained some new friends on the way! What will be in store for our heroes? Find out next time!

"GRAAAAAAAAH!" Ed bellowed in irritation as the end-of-the-episode music swelled. "I F(EEP!)ING HATE YOUUUUU!"

Narrator: (chuckle) If only something could be done about that mouth!

* * *

Phew! Another chapter done. So did you figure out the cliché? Oh, also, I'm taking requests for clichés from Pokémon, so if you have one (on more) that bugs you, tell me all about it, and you'll probably see it in an upcoming chapter!

Now, here's to getting up the next chapter before the year's over! ...Don't look at me like that!


End file.
